


Tears on Ivory

by smttnpegasus (butwhowouldbuythecupcakes)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, I blame you, now look at it, piantist!Lexa, this is some super emotional stuff guys, this was only supposed to be a fun 2-3K one shot, you can thank my best friend for this, you know who you are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-15 03:30:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9216656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butwhowouldbuythecupcakes/pseuds/smttnpegasus
Summary: Lexa plays when she wants to remember, but what will happen when she starts to play for someone else.





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JustALifelongPhase](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustALifelongPhase/gifts).



The feel of the keys beneath her fingers was like a cool breeze on a hot day. The way the notes flowed through her head and into the air in a seamless harmony had never failed to calm even her worst nerves. Her mind strayed to those long and painful months when just looking at the piano caused her physical pain as her heart ripped in two all over again. She breathed out and let the memory of that pain flow through her fingers and into the worn ivory.

Lexa had been playing the piano since she was big enough to reach the pedals and the keys at the same time. Anya had always said she looked the most at ease when her fingers were gliding across a keyboard. This piano had actually been Anya’s engagement present to them. It was a beautiful grand that had been almost impossible to fit into the humble apartment but they made it work.  _ She  _ made it work, for Lexa.

She halted her fingers over the keys and glanced up to the only picture she kept on the glossy black piano. It was in a slim silver frame, everything about it was simple except for the feelings it sent coursing through Lexa even now. She was there and the smile on her face was one she hadn’t seen in years. What she always focused on, though, was the woman next to her. Beautiful caramel skin and eyes a deep brown that always drew her in. Her hair was black and glossy as the sun hit it just right, God, even after five years she still couldn’t get over how beautiful Costia was…had been. The picture had been taken on the day Lexa proposed and the slight glisten in her eyes was proof enough. She had just asked the love of her life to marry and her and unsurprisingly she said yes. Costia had been the inspiration for so much in her life and had lead her to write music like she never had before.

When the call came she had been in a meeting. She knew something was seriously wrong when Anya had barged in to the full meeting room with tears in her eyes. That was the day Lexa thought her life ended. Costia had been walking home from the the market after shopping for a special dinner she was going to make Lexa. The car ran the light and didn’t stop.

After the funeral Lexa had stayed with Anya for a week not being able to even walk into her own apartment because so much, so much of it was  _ her _ . Only with Anya by her side did she finally go back. She was doing okay considering how much this place reminded her of everything she had lost, her future,  _ their  _ future, because of a drunk behind a wheel. When her eyes fell on the piano she broke. She hadn’t cried since the day Anya had told her but her knees gave out then and she let all of the pain swallow her.

She had tried to sell the apartment but if she did she would have to sell it with the piano in it because the land lord didn’t want to let her go through the process of removing it. Even if she couldn’t bring herself to play it that wasn’t something she was willing to part with. It took months but she eventually sold or boxed away everything that reminded her of Costia and tried to just live around the only reminder that couldn’t be put in the closet. She went to work and excelled and when she came home she drank till she fell asleep and repeated the process the next day. It wasn’t till one night twelve months after her world ended that the cycle broke.

She woke in a panic and knew she had a nightmare. She wasn’t unused to the things that haunted her in the night, but she used to just play until the nerves and lingering fear faded. Now she had nothing to escape them, but that night she was in such a panic that before she knew it she was sitting on the bench and her fingers were ghosting over the sorely unused keys. At the first note a dam inside of her broke. She played for hours, long into the night and the next morning, playing every piece she knew some multiple times. She ignored the tears that splatter on the keys but she let herself feel everything she had been holding back and for the first time in a year she felt like there may be hope.

It became a part of her routine to play at least a little when she woke up in the morning and before going to bed at night. At first it was all she could do to not cry while the ivory chilled her fingers but it had been four years since that fateful night so now she was content and at peace when she played. She still felt empty most times but she was okay. Now she looked at the picture of herself with Costia and felt the pain in her chest but it was dull and more of an ache. She finished the piece she was playing and sighed. As long as she had her piano and her memories she would make it.

Lexa stood and stretched looking to the clock on the faux fireplace mantle. She had played longer than she thought but then again it was her day off so she had no where else to be. She made her way into the small kitchen and set to making a pot of coffee. She had some files that needed to be sorted through before she returned to work Monday and the caffeine would help her focus.

After three hours of reading incredibly boring legal files she was about ready to just burn them and say fuck the whole case. It was time for a break. She stood and found herself sitting down on the bench and lifting the cover over the keys. She started playing a few easy pieces just to warm up her fingers and the tension in her shoulders started to fall away immediately. She had just started a longer piece when a knock at her door interrupted her. She paused and was confused when she heard a rustle of paper.

When she stood and walked to her door she saw a piece of paper and really hoped it wasn’t another noise complaint. She had gotten quite a few in her time here, but nothing ever came of them because her land lord actually enjoyed her playing as long as it was at reasonable times. She picked up the piece of paper and was highly surprised by what she read:

 

_ A humble request to the pianist: Leibestranme no. 3 in A flat _

 

Well that was unexpected. Lexa pulled her door open and glanced down the hall but saw no one in either direction. She closed the door and looked back at the note in her hand. At least it wasn’t a noise complaint. She sat the note down on the counter and made her way back to the piano. She was about to start playing when she had a thought. She stood and went to the large glass doors that led to a small balcony. Whoever gave her this request obviously wanted to hear it so maybe this would help. She sat back down and lost herself in the flow of the notes and the nimble movement of her hands. As the piece drew to a close she heard something that actually caused her heart to drop, the distinct sound of someone clapping. She stood and walked out to her balcony and looked up. Her breath caught when she saw the woman standing a few floors above her smiling and clapping enthusiastically.

She was beautiful with long golden hair that was piled on top of her head in a messy bun. She had what looked like paint smeared on her cheek but Lexa couldn’t be sure from this far away. The woman noticed her and stopped clapping so she could wave.

“Hi.” She called out and Lexa leaned on her balcony railing and raised a hand.

“Hello. I suspect you are the one who submitted the request?” She asked and was amused to see a slight blush bloom on the woman’s pale cheeks.

“That’s me. I heard you playing sometimes when I was out here painting but never knew which apartment was yours till I heard you playing this morning. You are really very good.” She said and leaned enough over the balcony that Lexa could see a canvas and easel set up behind her.

“Thank you. It was a pleasure to play for you. I could never say no to such a humble request.” Lexa smiled. The woman smiled in return and Lexa thought her heart might have actually stopped for a moment. When she regained her composure she said, “Anyway, I’ll leave you to your painting. Feel free to submit requests anytime.”

She turned away but was pulled back when the woman called after her. “Wait, does the pianist have a name?”

“Lexa.”

“Well, Lexa, I’m Clarke.”

* * *

 

She didn’t see Clarke again that day but the blonde wasn’t far from her mind as she tried to dig back into the files on her table. By the time the weekend was over she had every file read and was ready to get back to work. She was about to head to bed when she heard the soft knock at her door again. She smiled softly and took her time walking to the door and picked up the piece of paper:

 

_ Another humble request to the pianist: Transcendental Etude No. 4 _

 

Lexa couldn’t fight the full smile that pulled at her lips, she pulled her door open but wasn’t surprised to see the hallway empty. She tucked the paper into her pocket and made her way to the balcony. She didn’t look out but she hoped Clarke was there to hear her play. The blonde was apparently a Liszt fan, which was good because she had always loved playing his pieces.

She played and the entire time the image of blonde hair and a soft blush across a cheek smeared with paint was at the forefront of her mind. She would deny how often she thought about that image in the past day and a half. Something about the woman calmed her and made her hands feel free to explore the keys without a particular piece in mind.

Soon she noticed her routine changing. She still played in the morning and at night but now she found herself listening for a knock and the rustle of paper under her door. The requests were more of the same classical pieces but one day she laughed, a real heart-felt laugh when she saw the request:

 

_ Another humble request to the pianist: Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” _

 

She hadn’t played anything non-classical in quite sometime. This would be an interesting request to fill. She pulled her laptop from where it was still in her briefcase and set to finding the sheet music for the song. It wasn’t easy but she eventually found it and opened her door as usual. It was different from playing the common easy pieces and she tripped on parts but over all she thought she did a good job for being woefully unprepared. Part of her wondered what exactly caused Clarke to request such a different song from her typical choices. She went to close the doors after wards and heard laughter.

She walked out on her balcony and looked up to see Clarke standing there with a wine glass in her hand laughing very hard. It wasn’t a funny laugh it almost sounded like someone who was laughing so they wouldn’t cry.

She finally calmed down and saw Lexa looking up at her perplexed if not a little hurt. “I’m sorry Lexa, just the fact you actually played that one surprised me and I’m a little emotionally drained and kind of punchy. You did a good job though.”

Lexa noticed the change immediately. The girl who had been standing there laughing was now deflated and even from here Lexa could see the swell of her eyes from tears shed recently. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No. I don’t. Everyone today has wanted to talk about it. I’m just done with it, but thank you for playing that. I know you don’t know why but it kinda made my day.” She turned and walked back in to her apartment and Lexa stood there staring up at the empty balcony and wondered who could or would hurt someone as lovely as Clarke. She even felt a part of her self grow angry at whomever made the blonde beauty cry. She knew pain, was very familiar with it, and someone like Clarke did not deserve to feel it.

She shook herself from her silent rant and walked back into her own apartment. She wanted to do something to help Clarke feel better but she didn’t even know why she was so upset. From the song she figured it had something to do with a relationship. She still had the site with the Taylor Swift sheet music on it. She scrolled through a few until she landed on one that she thought might brighten the blonde’s eyes if she recognized it.

She plays the first few cords slowly and lets herself feel the spread of the music through her. This song was something that she used to listen to when she missed Costia the most. She didn’t know why but it just reminded her of how even through the toughest times she could always smile through anything, even if she was hurting. Lexa had never been able to do that. She was surprised when she felt the tear hit her knuckle but she didn’t pause in the song being near the end. She hadn’t cried while she played in years but maybe this song just hit too close to home. Her fingers slowed to a stop and she just stared at the ivory and her vision blur as more tears gathered but she took a deep breath and swallowed them down before they could fall.

She knew what she needed at the moment. She dug in her pocket for her cell phone and clicked the first speed dial and waited. When the voice answered. She sighed, “Can you come over?”

* * *

 

There wasn’t even a knock at the door and she was too lost in the music to pay much attention to it. After calling her sister she had been playing non-stop letting everything that had crested over spill through her. She hadn’t cried anymore but the pain in her chest had gotten sharper than it had been in months.

Anya’s hand came to rest on her shoulder and her fingers stopped and the music faded.

“How you doing, Lex?”

She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. She was okay, but also emotionally on edge for some reason. She learned after a few months that she shouldn’t be alone when she felt like this.

“I’m honestly doing okay Anya, I just didn’t want to be alone.” She said and turned her eyes to her sister. She had a sympathetic look in her eyes but didn’t let her worry show on her face.

“Did something happen that could have caused it?” She asked as she made herself comfortable on the couch. She knew her sister well and even years later she still hated asking for help so she had to be feeling very vulnerable to call her out of the blue like this.

“No…yes…I’m not actually sure.” Lexa said trying to decide if she should tell Anya about the strange relationship she had with one of her neighbors. She had only actually talked to Clarke a few times but had played a dozen songs for her by this time.

Anya didn’t saying a thing but just looked at her and waited.

“There has been this girl. One of the other people in the building. Every once in awhile she slips a request under my door. Today she was really upset so I was playing something to cheer her up but then I felt all the pain again. Only for a little bit, but it was sharper than usual.” She looked up and saw Anya’s brow was furrowed in concern. “I don’t know what happened Anya.”

She stood and walked to Lexa’s side, “For someone who tries to pretend you don’t feel anything, you feel far too much. This girl was upset and you let that drag up your own pain. Empathy isn’t a bad thing but it can really suck sometimes.”

After that they ended the night by curling up on the couch and watching Netflix till they drifted off to sleep.

* * *

 

Clarke didn’t request any songs for a few days and Lexa was beginning to get worried when a little slip of paper slid under her door. Without thinking to much on it she pulled her door open and saw Clarke walking away down the hall. She made a split second decision and called after her, “Clarke! Wait!”

The woman froze and turned slowly, and Lexa’s breath caught. She had never seen the blonde this close and she was even more amazing up close. The one thing that stood out the most though were her eyes. They had been beautiful from a distance but now they were completely mesmerizing. They were blue but with swirls of gray and a sparkle that reminded Lexa of stardust. She shook her head to clear it and took a leap of faith.

“Do you want to watch me play?”


	2. Overature

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late posting I had a long day at work today, but here you go the continuation of Tears on Ivory. Enjoy guys!

Clarke seemed shocked but regained her voice after a moment, “You’re inviting me in?”

Lexa couldn’t back out now, “Yes. I figure you might hear it better than through my balcony door.”

She didn’t know how the woman was going to respond but the moment a bright smile bloomed on Clarke’s face her shoulders relaxed.

“I’d like that.” Clarke said and Lexa moved to the side and welcomed her in. She was slightly nervous for the beautiful blonde to see her apartment. She wasn’t exactly very decorative. Costia had been the one that loved art and made the little adjustments to make this apartment a home. Over the years she stripped the walls of all the paintings and sculptures that she had collected, so now the walls were white and empty and the shelves and spaces barren.

As the blonde walked further into the room Lexa waited anxiously for a response, any response.

“My god it is so beautiful!” She heard the woman say and her eyes snapped up from where she had been rather focused on her own feet.

The blonde was staring at her piano with nothing short of awe. Her face turned back to Lexa and her knees almost went weak from the sheer brilliance of her smile.

“It was an engagement present,” She said simply and was surprised that the reminder didn’t sting.

“Really? So where is your better half then?” She asked and walked up to the piano and saw the photo sitting on it’s gleaming black surface.

Lexa swallowed heavily. She had never talked to anyone about Costia other than Anya. She didn’t know if she was ready yet, but soon, maybe. She followed Clarke over to the piano and lifted the picture. Her thumb gently caressed the edge of the frame before she put it back down and simply said, “She’s gone.”

Clarke reached out for her arm and Lexa almost jumped at the touch but soon melted into the soothing hand on her shoulder, “I am so sorry. I didn’t know…I wouldn’t have asked if I had.”

Lexa reached up on impulse and grabbed the blonde’s hand. She hated hearing such sadness in her voice, “It’s okay. Playing helps me remember.”

With out any more prompting Lexa sat on the bench and started playing the first thing that came to mind. Her shoulders relaxed into the music and her eyes closed as the melody soothingly brushed her heart. Since when had losing the love of her life become something that was okay. She had never once said it was in all these years but the need to soothe the worry from the woman who stood behind her had just taken over. The piece ended and Lexa opened her eyes her fingers tracing just over the keys beneath them. She jumped when she heard a sniffle behind her. She turned and saw the blonde trying futilely to wipe away tears that flowed down her cheeks.

She jumped up and before she could over think anything the blonde was wrapped in her arms. She didn’t stiffen but just fell into the embrace her face turning into Lexa’s neck and her hands clenched where they were trapped between their bodies. The sobs were soft but the longer Lexa held her the more she fell apart.

After longer than either woman was aware Clarke’s tears ebbed and she shifted so Lexa dropped her arms and stepped back. The woman’s eyes were glued to the floor and Lexa was worried she had done something to mess up, but seeing this woman with tears in her eyes was unbearable. She thought of something and hoped it would help. She reached tentatively for her hand and pulled her to the piano bench pulling her down to sit beside her. She started playing something a little more upbeat and when she glanced at Clarke she was smiling though it wasn’t quite the brilliant one she had seen before. She wanted to bring that brilliance back out but she didn’t know how. She decided then that she needed to figure it out.

When her fingers stilled again she looked up and though Clarke’s eyes were rimmed red she was still so beautiful. She sniffled a little and then looked at Lexa for the first time.

“Thank you. I’m sorry about all of that. It’s been a pretty shitty few weeks, so I guess I needed that.” Clarke said and stood but didn’t move away from the piano. “My dad died a few years ago. Still hurts sometimes but I was getting better about living again. He would have wanted that. I met someone that reminded me so much of him. He was kind and gentle and always knew when to tell a joke and when not to. I loved him, God, I did.”

Lexa sat and listened but thought she might stop the blonde. She barely knew her and these were things she may not want to share, but something in the way her eyes were seeking and wide when they met Lexa’s she nodded for her to continue.

“About a week ago my best friend from my childhood died. Just a horrible car accident, there was nothing anyone could do, it hurt but we had lost touch when I moved away for school, so that dulled it some. I left for the weekend to go to his funeral. When I came back I went straight to his apartment because I wanted…needed someone after all that. I found him with another girl. It hurt more than I thought anything could.”

Lexa stood again then but instead of reaching for the blonde she made her way to the kitchen and poured two glasses of water. Clarke took one thankfully and swallowed half down quickly. Lexa looked into her eyes and saw something so raw and familiar it made her heart ache. This woman deserved so much better.

“That was when you requested Taylor Swift.” Clarke only nodded and then a small smile appeared and she grabbed Lexa’s hand where it rested on the counter.

“I know you played that next song for me too. Why?” She asked and slipped her hand away and Lexa found herself missing the contact of soft skin.

“I wanted to help if I could. It just seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Clarke jumped and she pulled the phone from her pocket and grimaced, “I actually need to go, but can I come watch you play tomorrow?”

The hopeful lift in her voice sent Lexa through the roof, “It would be my pleasure to play for you tomorrow.”

* * *

 

Slowly Lexa noticed her routine was yet again changing. After that first day Clarke would come by, not every day but most, and Lexa would play. She would also open her balcony any time she played in the morning because even if it wasn’t something requested she wanted Clarke to hear the music. Lexa had spent probably more time than is appropriate thinking about everything the blonde had said that evening while she cried and Lexa played. What broke her heart the most is she understood how she felt. The pain she saw in Clarke’s eyes was like looking in a mirror, every painful memory reflected back at her through those sapphire eyes. The first few times Lexa would call or text Anya so she wouldn’t be alone and her sister never failed to come and sit with her while she let herself feel everything.

Lexa found that the more time she spent with the blonde the more she was growing and feeling. More than she had felt in years and it scared her. Feeling things like this meant she could be hurt again. She didn’t know if there was enough of her left to handle that kind of pain again, but every soft laugh or smile that she pulled from Clarke made the fear and sleepless nights worth it.

She was cleaning up the apartment one evening waiting for Clarke to text to say she was coming over. It was getting late and Lexa thought she may just not be coming, which wasn’t unusual. Clarke’s shifts at the hospital sometimes left her so drained she was basically asleep on her feet. Lexa smiled to herself when she remembered the time she had stopped by and before Lexa was even half way through the song the blonde was dozing on her shoulder.

She looked up at the small LED clock on the stove and saw it was almost eight and decided to just make dinner and hoped silently that she would see the blonde tomorrow. It had been a few days and she found herself missing the woman’s effervescent presence.

She was reaching for the cabinet when she felt her phone buzz in the pocket of her slacks. She pulled it out and was surprised to see Clarke’s name flash on the screen. She opened the message:

**Do you have a preference between Italian or Chinese?**

She didn’t have a chance to respond before the phone was buzzing again in her hand:

**Actually I’ll just get both. Partially cause I’m starving and partially because I feel terrible for being so late.**

Lexa smiled at her thoughtfulness and responded:

**Both sounds fantastic but if you are tired you don’t have to come over and you certainly don’t have to bring me food.**

Clarke responded quickly

**Don’t be silly. I haven’t been over in days. I miss you playing and showing up with food is always a good idea when you’ve kept someone waiting.**

Lexa felt a soft smile pull on her lips:

**You are correct. Food is never a bad plan, and your company is well worth the wait.**

She slid her phone down the counter and stared at it. What was she thinking? If she didn’t know any better she would think she was  _ flirting _ with Clarke. The woman seemed to have that effect on her. She brought a playful side out of Lexa that she thought she had lost so long ago. She could feel the tension building in her back and shoulders and she had no idea when Clarke was even going to be here. She scrubbed a hand over her face, she needed to relax. She grabbed a bottle of wine and poured a glass. She hope it would take the edge off her nerves.

She had no idea why she was so nervous. She had spent many nights now playing for Clarke, but never this late. Clarke had to know she could have gone home if she had a long day but she wanted to hear Lexa play. She wanted to see Lexa. Lexa had never even considered that while she had spent a few days missing the blonde that the feeling may have been mutual.

She jumped when she heard the knock on her door. She set her wine glass down and rounded the counter to the door. Her smile bloomed so easily when she opened it to see the blonde in her scrubs beaming at her and holding way too much take away for the two of them to eat alone.

“Hi, sorry again for being so late.” She moved into the apartment when Lexa stepped to the side but continued chattering, “So I went by Cartinelli’s and got their classic spaghetti as well as the chicken Alfredo. Then from Golden Sun Palace we have sweet and sour chicken, beef and broccoli with sides of lo mien and fried rice. Also about a dozen egg rolls.”

Clarke let out a large breath and her eyes darted from Lexa to the bags of food she had just deposited on the counter. Lexa’s could feel how wide her eyes were and Clarke had noticed, “Too much?”

Lexa just smiled and relaxed into the softness that she felt growing inside in the presence of the blonde, “No, not at all, but there is no way we can eat all of this.”

Clarke smiled, “I think you underestimate the fact I live on left overs when I’m on shift.”

“I hardly ever eat out so I don’t really know what that’s like.” Lexa said as she started pulling containers from the bags.

Clarke jumped in and grabbed the containers from her hands, “No no, you go play something while I do this. I wasn’t kidding when I said I’ve missed hearing you play. I’ve been at the hospital for two days straight. I’m going through withdrawals, I swear! Play before I pass out.”

Lexa giggled at the woman’s antics but obliged and walked over to the piano. She couldn’t stop the smile from blooming on her face as she stroked the keys in the beginning of a familiar upbeat show tune. Clarke slid onto the bench next to her a few minutes later and Lexa finished the song quietly.

Clarke pointed back to the counter with her fork, “Help yourself to what ever you want.”

She served up a large bowl of beef and broccoli with lo mien for herself. She sat on the couch and dug in but she noticed Clarke was still sitting on the piano bench looking at her with a smile on her face.

“Can I join you?”

“Of course, there is plenty of room.” The blonde jumped up and sat on the opposite end of the couch. Lexa pulled her knees up to her chest to give Clarke more room, “So why were you cooped up at the hospital for the last few days?”

“Have you ever wondered what happens when the doctor is the one to get sick?” She asked and Lexa shrugged since she had a mouth full of food.

“Well, the answer is every other doctor has to pull extra shifts. Especially when three nurses and two ER doctors all get the flu within a few days of each other. At one point I actually fell asleep waiting for my instant coffee from a vending machine.” She said and took another bite of spaghetti.

“Clarke, why aren’t you at home in bed?!” Lexa asked thinking of how exhausted she must be after going through something like that. She could see now that she had dark circles under her eyes and her hair was more mussed than usual.

Clarke reached towards her and rested a hand on her knee, “I wanted to see you. I earned a few days off so I thought pushing off sleep for a few hours was well worth it.”

Lexa didn’t know what to say to that. Clarke had to be dying for a few minutes of sleep but she put that off for her. She felt a warmth flood through her and she had no idea how to handle any of it.

She put her bowl down and went straight to the piano. Her fingers itched with a need to play. To find an outlet for this growing feeling. She started playing softly at first but as she felt that familiar release the song morphed from slow and somber to joyful and upbeat. She could feel the tempo increasing to match her heart beat. She felt the song form into one she knew but could also feel the currents of something else underneath it. She played until her breathing settled and she didn’t feel quite so overwhelmed.

When she turned back around Clarke was lying on the couch, sound asleep. She looked at the clock and it read eleven thirty. She had been playing for much longer than she thought. No wonder Clarke fell asleep.

Lexa knelt at the side of the couch and brushed a wayward strand of hair from Clarke’s face. She was beautiful and so at ease. She hated to wake her but knew she would be a lot more comfortable at home in her own bed.

“Clarke…Clarke.” She said hardly louder than a whisper. She ran her fingers over the blonde’s cheek, “It’s time to wake up.”

Her eyes fluttered and opened slowly. She rubbed at her eyes roughly, “Sorry, did I fall asleep, Lex?”

The brunette smiled softly, “Yeah, you did. I got so wrapped up playing I didn’t realize till now.” She stood and offered the blonde a hand up, “Let’s get you home.”

Clarke gripped her hand and stood. The woman stretched and groaned loudly as her back popped several times. Lexa was mesmerized by the sound and the strip of skin she could see where Clarke’s scrub top had ridden up. She shook her head and turned away to hide the blush she could feel blooming on her cheeks.

“You can keep the left overs if you want.” Clarke said motioning to the containers of take out still littering the counter top.

“Clarke, you said you live off of left overs. I am not taking your food supply. We can pack it up and I’ll help you carry it back to your apartment.” She said and walked up to the counter. Clarke stayed by the couch for a moment looking at Lexa, slightly perplexed. She soon joined Lexa to help close up the containers and put them back into the bags.

Lexa walked quietly beside Clarke as they went up the stairs to the floor that Clarke’s apartment was on.

“So, does that happen often?” Lexa was shocked to hear the soft words as they exited the stair well.

“What do you mean?” She turned her head but Clarke wasn’t looking at her. She just had her eyes focused down the hall.

The blonde slowed as they reached a door with the numbers 419 on it. “Back there. We were eating and talking then you just got up and started playing. I’ve never seen you…lose yourself in the music like that. It really took my breath away.”

Clarke looked up at her and the awe in her eyes stole Lexa’s breath away, “It was beautiful. Emotional. Freeing.”

Lexa swallowed hard. She hadn’t realized she was so transparent about how she was feeling. Anya had always said she was the most at peace when she played but was it really that visible?

“I told you before that playing helps me remember.” Lexa never talked about  _ her _ with anyone but Anya. She thought that maybe it was because a part of her  _ wanted _ to tell Clarke about Costia, but she didn’t know how. “I went a long time without playing because I was afraid to feel, but the music…it saved me in the end.”

She could feel her mind starting to spiral at the thought of those desperate twelve months. She started at the feeling of Clarke’s hand on her arm, “Hey, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I was just curious.”

Lexa nodded and handed over the bags of take out but Clarke pushed one back into her hands. “I insist you keep at least half. I did get it for you after all.”

She wanted to fight her on it but she knew it was useless. Clarke shocked her again when she set down the bag in her hand and pulled Lexa into a hug. The brunette didn’t respond at first but then wrapped her unoccupied hand around Clarke’s waist.

When Clarke pulled away she had the smile that Lexa was really learning to adore spread across her face, “Thanks for waiting up for me tonight. I’ve missed these nights.”

Lexa felt a small smile pulling at her own lips, “I’ve missed them too.”

Clarke picked up the bag of take away and pushed the door to her apartment open, “Good night, Lexa.”

She lifted her hand in a small wave, “Night.”

Lexa was in a daze as she walked back to her apartment. She pushed through the door and set the left overs on the counter top. She felt something roiling inside of her and she didn’t know what to do with it. She looked at the piano standing in the corner of the open sitting room and her fingers itched for her to play but her feet wouldn’t carry her there. She felt her phone sitting heavy in her pocket and even though she had just seen here she wanted to hear Clarke’s voice again. For once she didn’t want to drown out the buzzing in her head with the sound of the piano strings, because this time it sounded almost like the melodic laugh of a certain blonde.

She bypassed the piano and went straight to her bed room. She changed into a tank top and soft pajama shorts and sat on the side of her bed. She considered calling Anya to try and talk through everything swimming in her head, but she stopped herself before hitting the call button. She stared at the phone in her hand for a long time before sitting it down on her bedside table. She rolled onto her back and closed her eyes. She just needed to sleep it off and she would feel more centered in the morning.

After what felt like hours of tossing and turning she opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling. Her mind wouldn’t quit racing. It never stuck on any one thought. They just kept flipping through her head one after another like a slide show on fast forward. None stuck around long enough for her to pin point what had her mind so occupied but they would flash slow enough that she continued trying to make sense of it. She grudgingly rolled out of bed and scrubbed a hand over her face. She didn’t bother to turn on any lights as she walked through the silent apartment. She trudged into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of tap water. She swallowed it down quickly and took a few deep breaths. She considered playing to calm her frazzled thoughts but when she looked at the microwave read-out and saw it was almost two in the morning she decided against it.

She sat down heavily on the couch and groaned. She didn’t understand why she couldn’t get her mind to just shut down and let her rest. She laid down and pulled one of her throw pillows under her head. She caught a whiff of vanilla and honey. She turned her head and buried her face in the pillow. She inhaled deeply and could picture sparkling eyes and a lilting laugh. Her mind quieted slowly until she drifted off to the image of blonde curls.

* * *

 

She still had the pillow clutched to her face hours later when a muffled sound pulled her from sleep. She groggily looked up to see where the sound was coming from and recognized it as her ring tone. When she stood up the sound cut off and she relaxed but when it started back up again moments later she knew it was probably Anya. She managed to get to the phone before it rang through again.

“Hello, Anya.”

“Man, I was starting to think you might be dead. You usually answer within a few rings. This is my third call.” Anya had a bit of worry coloring her tone and Lexa understood why but did her best to relieve her.

“Sorry. I fell asleep on the couch last night and my phone was in the bed room.” She explained and looked at the leftovers that were still just sitting on her counter. She hated to waste food but she had been so out of it she forgot to put it in the fridge.

“So everything is okay?” She asked and Lexa smiled softly.

“Everything is good. What about you? Why the urgent need to talk to me on a Saturday morning?” Lexa asked her curiosity peaked. It wasn’t unusual for Anya to call her out of the blue but to call three times in a row meant her reason was probably important.

“Oh, yeah, I’m going out for drinks with Indra and Gus tonight, invitation is open if you want to join?” Lexa thought on it but wasn’t sure if she wanted to be around that many people. She missed Indra and Gustus, but the thought of sitting in a bar full of strangers just made her spine tingle with an unpleasant twinge.

She looked through her fridge and saw she had plenty of groceries to make a pretty good dinner. That and a glass of wine sounded far more appealing than an evening out. As her eyes drifted back to the couch an idea popped into her head. “Actually I can’t tonight. I’m having dinner with a friend.”

Anya seemed a little surprised but didn’t question her too much. She took a deep breath before sending a text message to Clarke:

**If you don’t have any plans tonight I was thinking I could cook dinner for you? Give you some top notch left overs for when you go back on shift?**

She set the phone down and smoothed her hand over her hair. She didn’t know if this was a good idea but she wanted to see the blonde again. She hadn’t felt like this in years and as terrifying as it was she wanted to embrace it. She jumped from her thoughts when her phone buzzed:

**That would be lovely, Lex. When can I come over?**

Lexa hadn’t expected a reply so soon. She expected the woman to be asleep until late afternoon. She thought about her reply for a few minutes:

**My schedule is completely empty, so I’m ready when you are.**

She slipped her phone into her pocket and decided to check if the left overs had spoiled. She was sniffing the lo mien when her phone buzzed in her pocket:

**Have you ever seen a series called Wentworth?**

The name didn’t ring any bells for her:

**Nope, I don’t think so.**

She waited for some form of explanation but after ten minutes there was still no reply from the blonde. She shrugged and went about disposing of the Chinese food, not trusting it after sitting out all night. A knock on the door made her scrunch up her brows she opened the door and was shocked to see Clarke standing at her door. She was wearing a loose t-shirt and sweat pants, which was very different from the scrubs she usually wore when she came over. She was holding a laptop under her arm and a to-go mug in her hand.

“Clarke…I didn’t expect you so early,” She looked down at herself and saw she was still wearing her pajamas. “Come on in.”

“Sorry I didn’t text to let you know I was coming, but I was just going to laze around my apartment anyway and you have never seen Wentworth which is a travesty. So I thought I’d come over early and we can watch it and then have dinner later on.” Clarke rambled as she walked past Lexa and set her laptop down on the coffee table. She turned back to look at her and seemed to take a deep breath, “But I can go if you want to be alone till later.”

Lexa chuckled and noticed the blonde relax a bit as she closed the door. She sat down next to Clarke and pulled her throw blanket over her legs. She usually didn’t let anyone see her this vulnerable, but Clarke was quickly becoming an exception to all her rules.

“I didn’t mean I wasn’t okay with you being here, I just wasn’t expecting it, hence the pjs.” She motioned to herself and looked away to hide the blush blooming on her cheeks.

“If it makes you feel any better I literally rolled out of bed to come down here. I only paused long enough to make some coffee, because I’m not a fully functional human being without it.” Clarke said and took a sip from the mug.

How was Clarke always able to put her at ease? The anxiety that usually existed around other people just melted away. “So why is it such a travesty that I haven’t seen this show?”

“Because it is purely amazing. Bea, the main character, is just so relatable and even when she does things that can be seen as morally wrong you get it, because she is so well written. And Franky is hot as hell.” The woman said and pulled her laptop closer flipping it open.

Lexa shook her head and didn’t know how to respond. Clarke was so passionate about everything and it was enthralling to watch. The blonde scooted closer to her and Lexa tried not to tense at the idea of being so close to her. They weren’t sitting any closer than when she was playing the piano but this felt different.

Before long she was drawn into the show and found herself caring about the women and the story unfolding. Clarke hadn’t been wrong it was easy to relate to Bea, but she also found herself drawn to Franky. Partially because she was very attractive but the way she ignored her personal anger and pain was scarily familiar.

As another episode came to an end Clarke paused it before continuing on to the next, “Is it okay if I use your restroom?”

“Go right ahead. It’s through the bedroom on the right.” She said and watched the blonde go before she stood herself. Her back felt stiff and she realized why when she saw they had been watching the show for over three hours. She went into the kitchen and poured herself a glass on water. When Clarke came back out she asked the blonde if she wanted anything.

“Do you have any popcorn?” She asked as she made herself comfortable again on the couch.

Lexa checked through the cabinets and didn’t find any popcorn but she did find some potato chips. She headed back over and handed the bag to Clarke, “No popcorn, hope this is okay?”

“Great, just figured if I had a snack now I’d still be plenty hungry for dinner later.” She said and tore the bag open. Lexa looked at her and made a decision that she hoped she wouldn’t regret afterward.

“Clarke, before we start the next one can we talk…about last night.” She said and looked at her hands that had started to shake. It had been so long since she talked about this. She wasn’t sure how she would handle it.

“Of course, Lex.” Clarke said and put the chips down and moved her laptop over to the table.

Lexa stood and grabbed the picture from the top of the piano. She handed it to Clarke and sat back down, “This was taken just after I proposed. Costia looked so beautiful that day. She always did though. We met in high school and despite everything we beat the odds, ended up going to different colleges but never wavered. We stuck it out through everything.”

She took in a shaky breath and blinked to hold back the tears she could feel building up, “We had been living here for about six months and engaged for two when Anya bought the piano. I’ve played most of my life but never had the opportunity to own a baby grand.”

She found herself smiling as she thought of that day. Lexa had come home from work to find Costia sitting on the piano bench holding the card from Anya. She had the instrument delivered, with the help of their landlord, while they were both at work. She still remember the feel of ivory beneath her fingers the first time as Costia hugged her shoulders and laughed excitedly. Her smile fell as her mind returned to the present when Clarke placed a comforting hand on her knee. She reached for that point of connection and continued.

“I was at work when it happened. Cos had gotten off work early so she could cook something special for me. No reason just her being thoughtful and caring. It was something so like Cos. We didn’t have all the ingredients she needed so she went shopping. It was a gorgeous day so she didn’t see the harm in walking. She was on her…her way home when…when the car…it…” She squeezed Clarke’s hand and rubbed her eyes. She did her best to ignore the tears that spilled over and down her cheeks. She did her best to steel her voice before continuing, “She was hit in the middle of an intersection by a drunk driver who ran a red light. Years of love and devotion…my whole life gone in an instant.”

Clarke ran her thumb over her knuckles and as sharp as the pain felt in her chest it had dulled incredibly. Even as she thought of the worst day of her life the pain wasn’t debilitating just an ache like an old injury.

“I locked it all away. I told myself that letting anyone in would just make me weak and I was already so broken. I spent a year doing everything I could not to feel anything. I didn’t play a single note for a year, but when I finally started playing again it got easier to let it out. To let myself feel it little by little. When I told you I play to remember, I meant it. It helps me remember her and all of those years of memories without hurting as much. I didn’t lose them that day like I thought.” She wasn’t crying anymore but she could feel the heaviness settling on her shoulders, “I just had to understand to remember the good times I have to let myself feel the pain of loss as well. From time to time I still get moments when I feel overwhelmed. So I play. I play until things make sense again.”

Clarke nodded and reached her other hand over to lay on top of Lexa’s, “I do the same thing when I paint. I do it to capture memories that I don’t want to forget, but I also capture the emotions of that memory. Every time I look at that painting I feel the emotions I did when I was painting it but it dulls it so I’m not overwhelmed anymore.”

Lexa looked up at her and could see the understanding in her eyes. The blonde squeezed her hand again. “Guess we are two peas in a pod, huh?”

Lexa smiled softly, “I guess we are.”

Clarke scooted away and grabbed the laptop, “Do want to watch one more episode before stating on dinner?”

The brunette appreciated that Clarke wasn’t going to dwell on what they had talked about, it made her feel normal. She scooted closer to the blonde, “We can watch one more.”

Clarke leaned into her side as she clicked the play button.


	3. Crescendo

After that night another change to her routine developed, Clarke started coming over even more than before and they ate dinner together every time. Sometimes Lexa would cook, sometimes Clarke would bring take out or even groceries so she could cook while Lexa played something to fill the apartment. That was another way it was changing though was that she didn’t play every time Clarke came over. Sometimes they talked about their days or just sat down to watch something on Netflix. They finished Wentworth within a week and Clarke had been right. It was amazingly written even if the end of season four still didn’t make any sense to her.

Lexa couldn’t shake the feeling that Clarke would eventually get tired of spending time with her, but even after weeks she still came over when her shifts would end or on her days off. She could feel something building between them but she wasn’t sure what it was. It had been so long since she let someone get close to her she didn’t know what these feelings meant.

She was sitting at her desk reading through a brief for an upcoming case when her phone buzzed:

**Hey, Lex, what do you think about having dinner at my place tonight?**

Lexa was surprised by the message. She hadn’t even realized that in the months she had known Clarke that she hadn’t even seen the inside of the woman’s apartment. She was still stuck mentally on that when her phone buzzed again in her hand:

**I just realized that after all this time you have been so hospitable but I’ve never invited you over. If you feel more comfortable in your place then we can meet up there, no problem, I just thought it would be a nice change of scenery.**

Lexa smiled. It had been so long since someone had selflessly put her first. She typed in a short response:

**When I read the first message that was my first thought. I’d love to come over. I might be in the office a little later than usual. Do you want me to pick up Cartinelli’s on my way home?**

Her mind was racing thinking about what would happen tonight. She had no idea what to expect. Whenever Clarke came to her apartment she knew what to expect. She would play and they would eat and she would get to spend time with Clarke. It shouldn’t be anything too different, but the unknown of it all still caused some anxiety to prickle down her spine.

She jumped when her phone buzzed with Clarke’s response:

**I’m actually cooking up something special. Just bring your awesome self. :)**

Lexa was distracted through the rest of her day but managed to get most of her prep work done for the case next week. She was unsurprisingly nervous when she exited the elevator on Clarke’s floor. On her way she had stopped to pick up a bottle of wine that she hoped Clarke would like. She wasn’t sure why she was so nervous. This wasn’t any different than when Clarke ate dinner with her, they were just meeting in an entirely new place and Clarke said she was cooking something special. What if she didn’t like Clarke’s cooking? What if she finally did something to scare Clarke off?

She took a deep breath and loosened her tie. She could do this. It was just dinner. She knocked several times before her nerves caused her to turn around and just go home.

She heard a faint ‘come in’ and pushed the door open. She could smell something that smelled amazing as she entered the apartment. It had a similar layout to her own apartment with a big open room right off the front door and with the kitchen next to the entry way. As she stepped further in she could see the hallway that most likely led to Clarke’s bedroom.

She took a few more steps in and when she looked to the far side of the main room her jaw dropped. Near the balcony door was a makeshift art studio with a paint splattered tarp over the hardwood floor. There was an easel that sat half in half out of the door to the balcony but what had her in awe was the painting on the easel.

It was her at the piano. She had her eyes closed and her head turned to the side while her shoulders hunched as she played. Lexa could almost see the music painted in the air surrounding her. She hadn’t realized she was walking forward until she was less than a foot from the painting.

“Oh…I forgot to cover that up…” Clarke had stepped out of the kitchen and was watching Lexa with an uncertain expression.

“It’s not done yet. I can’t quite capture the emotion correctly.” She said as she passed Lexa and touched her fingers lightly to the edge of the canvas.

“Clarke…this is…” She didn’t know how to express the feeling coursing through her at that moment. Was this really how Clarke saw her? She looked  _ ethereal _ . “Gorgeous. Truly, Clarke, you are very talented.”

Lexa smiled at the soft shading of crimson she saw on Clarke’s cheeks. The blonde rubbed the back of her neck, “Thank you, Lex. I didn’t want to show you till it was done, but I’m really glad you like it.”

Lexa turned and surprised herself by pulling the blonde into a hug. She still had the bottle of wine in her hand but she needed to show Clarke how much this meant to her, how special this made her feel. She wasn’t sure this was enough but she had to try.

Clarke seemed surprised but wrapped her arms around the brunette’s shoulders anyway. When she pulled back Lexa handed over the bottle of wine.

“I just brought a red, wasn’t sure what was on the menu so I hope its okay.”

Clarke smiled wide at the offered gift, “This will be perfect. Dinner should be ready soon.”

They chatted happily as Clarke finished up the food, which turned out to be a hardy chicken parmigiana over baked penne. Lexa was impressed, it was excellent and she was happy her off-handed wine choice paired well. Lexa hadn’t felt his at ease around another person in years, it was so refreshing that she wasn’t sure how to handle it.

* * *

Hours later she stirred awake and was more than a little confused. After dinner they had sat down to watch a movie but she didn’t remember much after that. As she blinked to adjust to the darkness she felt a weight on her chest. She looked down but all she could see was a tumble of blonde hair. Clarke was laying mostly on top of her with her head curled into her chest. The lights were off in the apartment and the computer had slipped into sleep mode. She slowly lifted her hand and ran it along the riot of curls. Her voice was scratchy with sleep when she broke the silence around them.

“Clarke…I should be getting home.”

The blonde groaned as she curled tighter into Lexa and huffed, “What time is it?”

Lexa lifted her hand and glanced at the face of her watch that she could just make out now that her eyes were adjusted, “Its two am.”

The brunette expected the woman to lift off of her but she only gripped her shirt and sighed softly, “Just stay here for the night.”

“Clarke, I really should be getting home,” Lexa didn’t even know why she was fighting so hard for this but the image of the blonde so comfortably dozing on her chest was causing that earlier feeling to surge in her chest. It cause her fingers to itch to play. To get it out somehow, but at the same time the last thing she wanted to do was remove the reassuring weight of the woman.

“Don’t want you walking back alone. It’s too late for that.” Clarke mumbled into her shirt.

“I don’t even have to go outside, Clarke.” She chuckled as the blonde finally lifted her head and glared at her. She was taken by surprise when the woman’s eyes softened and she lifted a hand softly ran a thumb over the apple of her cheek.

“Stay, Lexa, please.”

Lexa swallowed hard at the vulnerability in those deep blue eyes but she nodded, not trusting her voice in that moment.

Clarke relaxed then and adjusted so she wasn’t quite on top of Lexa any more but still had her head tucked under her chin and an arm wrapped securely around her waist. Lexa closed her eyes and focused on the sound of the blonde’s breaths evening back into sleep. It was like music to her ears that heralded her into her own deep sleep.

* * *

The day was a blur as she ran through the last of her preliminary prep for next week but she never really focused on any of it. She had been in a fog since she woke up with Clarke in her arms. She hadn’t slept that well in years so she was well rested, but her mind wouldn’t zero in on anything. She found her fingers tapping out rhythms on the hard wood of her desk and when she realized it wasn’t any of the familiar pieces she froze.  _ It couldn’t be. _

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. As her fingers started moving again she could almost hear the notes floating into the air around her. Her eyes snapped open and she scooted back from her desk. She grabbed her briefcase and made a quick exit telling her assistant that she would be out for the rest of the day.

When she made it back to her apartment she dug through the drawer of the burrow in her living room until she found the soft high quality headphones, She hadn’t used them in so long they were in almost new condition. She pushed into her bedroom and tossed the headphones onto her bed. The next place she went was her closet. Tucked behind her clothes and boxes of old memories was her practice keyboard. She set the case on bedspread, flips the clasps open, and lifts the lid. She runs her fingers slowly over the cool keys. They didn’t feel like the ivory of the piano but she had written so many songs on this keyboard the feeling filled her with pleasant memories. She lifted it and set about putting together the stand. Once the keyboard was set at the right height for her to play comfortably while seated on the bed she dug through a box under her bed full of old books and found her old folio of blank music sheets.

She slipped the headphones on and closed her eyes before letting her fingers play across the keys. The music swam into her ears and all she could see was blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes. She opened her eyes back up and started darting down notes on the pages as they filled her mind. For the first time in five years she was writing music.

* * *

The routine that used to be Lexa’s whole world had completely dissolved. She still went to the office and worked hard day in and day out but when she came home her time was consumed with playing her keyboard and frantically scribbling the notes down onto music sheets. She would still meet up with Clarke for dinner every night that the blonde wasn’t working late shifts. She had even stopped by the hospital on her lunch break a few times to make sure Clarke had caffeine and food.

One thing that didn’t break routine however was the get together the partners at her firm insisted on having every few months. They always held it at her apartment with the reasoning of the built in entertainment. Lexa never minded playing for everybody and it was nice to see them outside of the usual offices and court rooms. It was a small affair with less than a dozen people, but it kept morale in the firm high after hard cases and was a great way to celebrate a big win.

Anya always came to these get togethers to help Lexa with food and preparations. This time she had asked Clarke to join them as well and was over the moon when she had excitedly agreed. She had been nervous at first because not only was Anya meeting the blonde for the first time but she also didn’t know how Clarke would feel around the other lawyers from the firm.

Her worries weren’t necessary though. The blonde doctor worked the room like a pro, trading stories from her time in the ER with the older partners that had seen the weirdest things in their time in the legal system. Even then she still found time to sit next to Lexa as she filled the apartment with soft music. It was one of the best parties to date and her boss made her promise to bring Clarke around more often as he left for the night.

Lexa had her arms around the blonde’s neck at the door. “I’m so glad you came tonight.”

Clarke pulled back and smiled softly, “Of course I came, Lex. It was great to have an audience for my ER stories that hadn’t heard them a hundred times already.”

She rubbed the back of her neck, “You made quite the impression. My boss will be so broken-hearted if you aren’t at the next one of these.”

Clarke laughed, “Then I guess I’ll just have to be here to save the old man the heart ache. Are you sure you don’t want me to stay and help you clean up? I really don’t mind.”

Lexa looked over her shoulder and saw the slight mess around her usually spotless apartment. Anya was sitting on the couch with her feet kicked up on the coffee table which made Lexa wince. She hated that, but knew her sister never listened to her anyway. “No, you really don’t have to, Anya is staying the night so she will help. I feel bad enough keeping you out as late as I have already.”

Clarke reached out for her hand, “Don’t, I wanted to be here and I had fun. I’ll call tomorrow when I get off shift, my turn to bring dinner, right?”

Lexa nodded, “And no more Cartinelli’s, we’ve had it twice this week.”

“I’m telling Angie you said that next time I go in.” Clarke teased her and Lexa rolled her eyes. She really thought that if you are on a first name basis with the owners you probably eat at a place too often, but Clarke’s friendship with Angie and Peggy resulted in lots of free pie so she wasn’t going to complain.

“If you did she wouldn’t give you free pie anymore.”

“Oh, no, that would mean she wouldn’t give  _ you _ any more free pie. My pie privileges are safe in this situation.” Clarke smirked and then shook her head when she could see Lexa starting to give in. “You know her pie is  _ the  _ best in the city, maybe even the world.”

When the blonde started to pout Lexa couldn’t help but give in, “Fine, we can have Cartinelli’s. I can’t believe you are blackmailing me with pie.”

Clarke hugged her again and Lexa immediately reciprocated so the blonde would be well aware she wasn’t really upset. Lexa pulled the door open for the blonde and Clarke leaned past her to wave a goodbye to Anya.

“It was good to meet you, Anya.”

“Yeah yeah, Blondie, you too.” The woman said from the couch while she scrolled through her phone.

Clarke leaned in a placed a soft kiss to Lexa’s cheek, “Good night, Lex.”

Lexa closed the door slowly and leaned her forehead against it for a moment. Her lips curved into a smile as her hand absentmindedly went to her cheek.

She turned around and walked over to Anya and nudged her leg, “Let’s get everything cleaned up. I’m dying to get to bed.”

Anya dropped her head back against the couch and groaned, “Do I have to?”

“Yes, and get you feet off the table.” Lexa said and pushed her feet till they slipped off the table and clunked down on the floor.

Anya rolled her eyes and stood up, “Didn’t hear you complaining when Clarke had her ass on it earlier.”

Lexa just continued gathering dishes and trash without acknowledging the comment. She had been rather distracted. Clarke’s face had been shining so brightly while she retold a story of how she helped a man who had somehow shot himself in the leg with an arrow during target practice, and the music filling her head at the sight was all she could focus on.

It took them another twenty minutes in comfortable silence to get the apartment put back in order. Lexa was scrubbing the last of the dishes when Anya spoke up from the living room, “I’m gonna get the couch set up. You still keep the extra blankets in your closet, right?”

At those words Lexa’s heart plummeted. No one ever went in her bedroom during these get togethers so she hadn’t bothered to clean up. She slid slightly as she came to a stop in her bedroom doorway and could see Anya standing at the foot of her bed.

The end of it was covered in the sheet music with her hastily scrawled notes and annotations. The keyboard was still set up next to it and the headphones sat haphazardly across the keys where she had tossed them when Clarke arrived earlier that afternoon to help her set up.

Anya reached slowly down and picked up a sheet that had every line covered in notes. She turned her head and Lexa could see the multitude of questions swimming in her eyes, “How…since when…?”

Lexa leaned on the doorjam and crossed her arms over stomach. She could feel the tension rolling up her shoulders and prickling at the back of her neck. She hadn’t kept the fact she was writing music again from Anya on purpose, it just hadn’t come up. She tried to make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal, even if she knew Anya was well aware how big it was, “Just the last few weeks.”

Anya still seemed shocked and sat down on the only portion of the bed that didn’t have paper strewn across it. She stared at the paper still gripped in her hand and then looked back up at Lexa with a look of recognition in her eyes, “Clarke.”

It wasn’t a question, just a statement. Anya had always known Lexa better than she knew herself at times. She swallowed heavily and moved to join Anya on the bed. Her eyes were glued to her hands and she could feel the need to play itching just under the surface. She thought back to when she had first met Costia and how she would lock herself in her room and write for hours on end, because she needed to get the music out before it drove her insane. Anya had been there through it all and made fun of her ruthlessly for being such a sap. The look on her face when Lexa looked up wasn’t the same as in the past.

Lexa exhaled, looked back down at her hands, and nodded. Anya sighed, and if Lexa had been looking at her she would have seen the smallest smile pull at the older blonde’s lips.

She placed the sheet of music between them and rested a hand on Lexa’s knee. She waited for Lexa to look up at her to speak, “Do you love her?”

Lexa put her hand on top of Anya’s and let out a heavy breath, “I do, yes.”

Anya squeezed her knee, “Does she know?”

Lexa shakes her head and Anya chuckles but doesn’t move the comforting hand from the brunette’s knee, “Don’t you think that is something she should know?”

Lexa pushed her shoulder and sighed, “Of course, I’m gonna tell her. I just…I have to finish it first.”

As she finished talking her eyes drifted to the keyboard and the song that never really ceased in her mind drifted to the forefront.

She was brought out of her musical reverie by the older blonde’s hand moving from her knee to her shoulder, “Do it in your own time, Kiddo.”

“Thank you, Anya, I’ll get those blankets for you,” She stood and rummaged through her closet and when she turned back Anya was standing with a soft expression on her face.

It was rare for Anya to show her vulnerable side, Lexa had only seen it a few times her entire life. She took the blankets from Lexa but paused in the door before turning back, “I’m happy for you, Lexa, and, where ever she is, I think Costia would be too.”

The ache she always felt in her chest at the name was still there but it wasn’t a sharp pain anymore. It felt more like the scarred reminder of an old wound rather than the gaping hole it used to be. She lifted a hand to her chest and smiled softly, “I know.”

* * *

She was sitting on her couch staring at the piano. The tea in her hands had gone cold but she couldn’t bring herself to get up and dump it out. She had finally finished the song and that meant today could change everything. She had stayed up most of the night doing final tweaks and playing through the song again and again. She was certain she could play it without error, but she was still terrified something or everything would go wrong.

She startled when her phone buzzed on the table. She set the mug down and lifted her phone:

**Remember to breathe today, Kiddo. Clarke will love the song. Here if you need me.**

She had texted Anya last night when she finished the song. She knew if something went wrong she would need her sister and she was glad to have that support now as well. It helped to calm her enough to stand up and move to the kitchen to empty her mug.

She had just put the cleaned mug back in the cabinet when someone knocked on her door. She stood still for a moment to calm herself with a few deep breaths. This was it.

She opened the door and smiled wide when she saw Clarke holding bags of groceries. She ushered her in and grabbed several of the bags and sat them on the counter.

“I was thinking I could cook something up special so you can focus on playing.” She said happily as she started unpacking far more groceries than what was necessary to cook a meal for two people.

Lexa took a deep breath. It was better to do this now than put it off any further.

“Clarke…before you start cooking I want to show you something?” She reached for Clarke’s hand and guided her to the piano bench.

She sat down and motioned for the blonde to join her, “I want to play something a little different today.”

“Sure, I’m excited to hear it. Who wrote it? Anyone I might have heard before?” She asked happily and Lexa couldn’t help but chuckle. Clarke was always such a bright presence and just having her here evaporated the nerves Lexa had been battling all day.

“I did.” She said softly and before Clarke could say anything else or Lexa could lose the surge of confidence she started playing.

Clarke settled in next to her as her fingers danced over the keys. As she played she let her mind and heart focus on everything Clarke. She could feel every ounce of her heart pouring out through the notes filling the air. As the song came to a close she lifted her hands and rested them in her lap. She wanted so badly to look at Clarke, but she was also terrified of what would come next.

“Lex…” She finally turned her head to look at the blonde when her hand came to rest on her knee.

The woman’s eyes were glassy with unshed tears when Lexa looked into them, “That was so beautiful. You wrote that?”

Lexa nodded, “You really liked it?”

“Lexa…I don’t even know how to explain how amazing it was. It had so many layers. It started off so slow and kind of somber but then there was a spark that just grew and grew. It became so inspired and joyful and when it was fading out you could almost feel the promise of more. I wasn’t sad it was ending cause it felt like it was only the beginning.” Clarke talked animatedly and Lexa wanted so badly to listen to her forever but she knew she still had so much she needed to say but only a two words would come out.

“It’s you.”

Clarke stopped talking and just looked at Lexa, “What…do you mean?”

Lexa turned so she was facing Clarke more and grabbed both of her hands, “Clarke, I used to write music all the time, because when I saw a sunset or a baby smiling I would hear the most beautiful music and I’d have to get it out. When I lost Costia the world went quiet for so long that I didn’t even realize when I started to hear that music again.”

Lexa stopped to take a deep breath and Clarke squeezed her hands in encouragement. Lexa reached one hand up and twirled a curl around her finger, “I started hearing it again when the sun would catch your hair just right so it glittered like gold. I’d hear a crescendo every time you would laugh or a melody in your voice. I couldn’t believe it at first, I was so used to the quiet I thought I was imagining it.”

She had a hand on Clarke’s cheek now and the look of awe on her face encouraged Lexa to push on, “What I’m trying to say is…I love you, Clarke”

Her green eyes searched Clarke’s sapphire orbs for something, anything as silence filled the space between them. Clarke lifted her hand from Lexa’s and the brunette prepared herself for the rejection she was sure was coming. But then both of Clarke’s hands came to rest on her cheeks. Her voice was barely more than a reverent whisper, “Lex…can I kiss you?”

The smile that split her face as she nodded almost hurt her cheeks, but she quickly forgot about it as soft lips pressed against hers. She melted into the contact and the music swelled beyond measure in her head. She tried to pull the blonde closer but their awkward positioning on the bench prevented her from doing much. Eventually they had to pull apart but Lexa couldn’t stand to break all contact so she touched her forehead against Clarke’s and softly stroked her cheek. Clarke leaned up for a chaste kiss to the corner of her lips before whispering, “Can you play it again?”

Lexa nodded and Clarke scooted away to give her room to play but Lexa only closed the distance not wanting any space between them if she could help it. She leaned in for another kiss as her hands start to move over the keys. Clarke curled into her side and rested her head on the brunette’s shoulder. Lexa leaned her head down and closed her eyes as the apartment filled the practiced notes. The world was full of music again and she couldn’t wait to capture every note in her heart.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I blame you.


End file.
